Have you ever sat down with someone and listened to them provide all the reasons why something has not happened for them or they feel a certain type of way? Have you ever noticed the common reason generally involves someone else? If the answer is No, then maybe you haven’t had an opportunity to have some self-reflective conversations with yourself. To be without insecurity about something, even something small, is rare.
One of the greatest things I’ve been able to do with my blog is deliver a level of transparency that requires me to confront and tackle my issues in front of the world without room for retraction or regret. I have been able to reach a level of unapologeticness that represents continuous growth as a woman, a mom, and mental health journey traveler. My perspective is not the end all be all, but my story does serve as a window for others who may not be there in this very moment in their own journey.
One lesson I acquired in therapy is that admittance is the first true step to healing. One cannot solve a problem, they cannot admit that they have. My entire life I have made excuses for things; the way I carried myself, my body shape, my attitude, my relationships, school, business ventures, etc. I made these excuses not only to others but personally to myself.
I made myself believe that the men in my life were the reason I couldn’t trust. Constantly, I cared less and less about my image and made it about being unhappy with my partner. Here I was putting time and energy into becoming the next bitter lifetime character who doubled as a private investigator in their spare time. Overnight, the mirror became a reminder of what I disliked about my body, and plastic-surgery created social media models became the comparison standard for what being attractive was. I drank more and I slept less. The part of my life that should have been the greatest joy in my life, becoming a mother, was riddled with questions of whether I was a good enough mother or whether I was doing the right thing. After graduation, I beat myself up about where my life was at the age of 24 and I repeated this pattern up until I hit 29.
Eventually, I got to a space where I just didn’t know myself anymore and I found myself harvesting resentment to the people in my life because in someway this all had to be their fault. It would be someone else’s fault that I changed schools multiple times, switched majors, wasn’t in my dream job, didn’t own my dream business, wasn’t married by 22, didn’t own my first home, struggled with high-stress, lost people I considered friends, and became someone I didn’t recognize. I found myself in arguments that always ended in, “well maybe I could have done this if this….”. Just as every person hits their breaking point, I finally hit mine late one night. I started out so calm and collect and ended up in major tears as the realization finally sank in that the issues I had with myself, my level of insecurity, all started with me.
I was angry at my mom for not letting me fully choose my path and blamed her for why I couldn’t get it together was school but she was never my problem. My mother wanted the best for me but I messed up with school. I messed up to the point where I doubted myself with school. I was angry with people who were never available to go to the gym with me but never took the time to acknowledge that them not going was not an excuse for me to stop going. I was angry with the men in my life who had lied or cheated but I was the one who always looked the other way in forgiveness. I was so angry with every person who lectured me about my ability to parent my son but yet I was giving in just so people would leave me alone and then feeling uneasy because they weren’t fully my decisions. I resented friendships I had fostered because they broke my trust, even though there were signs of who they were early on in the friendship.
It was in this moment, on that late night, I let out all the issues I had self-created for myself. I want to make sure I clarify what I’m saying for full understanding. People always say do not blame yourself for others actions toward or against you. I am in no way excusing anyone’s actions that resulted in a piece of my confidence being stripped away or my trust being destroyed. What I am saying however, is that, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” At some point, we have to mature and accept responsibility for our own choices and actions. I recently had a conversation with one of my closest friends about women that put time and energy into stalking men they don’t trust. There are two things wrong in this scenario. The first thing is if you knew deep down you would never truly be able to forgive or trust this individual and you stayed, then the insecurity you now feel became your choice. The second thing is, if your self-value is too low to the point where you don’t realize, that if this person is still out here doing wrong after you forgave them, they don’t deserve you, then you have again made a choice.
I struggled with this idea because I couldn’t fathom that some of my repeat insecurities were the results of me not knowing my own self-worth and making the choice to no longer accept the things that were eating away at my level of self-security. Today, I sit proudly as I type this post and say, that my canvas is still being painted, and this work of art is in no way complete, but is also no longer tarnished with insecurities regarding who I am, what I am becoming, and what I have achieved. My energy is no longer worth the entertaining things that don’t speak to my level of worth. My journey, whether good or bad, has shaped who I am. I have reached a place in my own self-healing where I can stare myself in the mirror and acknowledge my own choices and build from those mistakes instead of resenting them. If there are individuals in my life who still wish it upon me to not respect my worth, whether they be a friend, foe, partner, family member, etc., then they are just undeserving of my energy from this point on. I love who I am looking at in the mirror. I embrace every curve I have, every blemish, and every flaw. I know I am valuable and no longer will I make the choice to ignore that.
The Mental Mama Journey 